June First

It's Saturday morning in the Month of May.
Was waking up to what I thought was a good day.
Until a blast took place in the back of my head.
It was as if a bomb blew up and I thought oh no.
This isn't normal, blurry vision, bomb like headache, feeling sick.
I knew it couldn't be normal.

I grabbed my cell and gave my Ma' a call.
Telling her something's wrong, you need to get back here now.
I fell to my knees in tears knowing this could be it.
I pulled myself up walking to the shower and just stood in it for relief but
there was no such hope.

I was so weak, I wasn't me.
I gave in and tears cam rolling down the sides of my cheeks.
I was in so much pain, my Ma' asked do you want to go see the Doc?
I knew I needed to but I was so weak, couldn't move or walk so all
I did was stumble to the car door with the help of my Ma's hand and me leaning
on her to carry me.

I got to see the Doc, they wanted to give me a shot.
Unable to really speak I mumbled and asked where?
He said it'd be best in the buttocks.
I lifted my head with my eyes wide open with an angry pale face
and stuttered two words, Hell No, can't you give it to me in my arm?
We can it just will take longer, I say that's okay.

They go then come back and say nope it can't be done in the arm has to be done
down there. I again stutter Hell No, give me pills. They did and so I went my way.
Hours passed, no change, no relief, so out of it. My Grandmother asked had I ever felt like this
before? I nodded no, she said I bet your hemorrhaging.
You need to go to the hospital and we did, unable to walk, talk, see, function leaning
on my Ma to carry me. I collapsed, so weak, tears in my eyes and think why, God why me?

They ran many tests, had me doped up on morphine. That was finally some relief from the pain in my head. The worst felt pain was yet to come. The Doc came in looked at me with that face, you know, bad news. I wasn't expecting the words I'd hear next. My heart was racing, pounding, I was scared, nervous, knowing what may come next I needed God, I needed him then more than ever.
The words flew out of his mouth your bleeding in the brain caused by an AVM.
You'll need to have surgery because if not you'll die. We're having you air transferred to Children's Memorial Herman Hospital, my heart was then ripped from my chest!

I busted into tears, horrified my life flashed before my very eyes, seeing the good and bad I'd done,
things I may never get to do in life such as have a family, kids, my dream job, never see my loved ones again friends, family, my beloved pets and even my favorite actresses. My life leaguered between life and death. Riding in the air craft wasn't all that bad because the medics were looking fine, and had me doped up on laughing gas.

Arriving at the hospital they rolled me to the ICU where the most serious cases were. They ran more tests. Four surgeons, many nurses working as one to benefit me, that was pretty sweet. What kept me calm was the fact they were all good looking, and I had the one thing I called my best friend since I was a young child a orange/white tabby stuffed animal named Kitty and holding on to my Ma's hand tightly.

A surgeon came in and explained that there was three different surgical ways they could remove the AVM. The first going through the nasal to the back of the brain, second going through the groin of the thigh or third craniotomy going through the actual head to clip the AVM. I again fell weak and in fear yelled Hell No, I won't let you. Let's say at the time I became a bad patient.

Unable to eat or drink I was numb, pale, scared, hurt, angry. I wasn't so much angry with those that were trying to help me but more because I felt like God had left me, didn't love or care for me. I blamed him for what was happening.

Sunday a day in may just another day of tests, being poked in my hands and arms left many bruises. Was finally able to eat so I sent my mom out to get me some subway because they had to go back to the house to get stuff anyways. My Aunt stayed with me, got some ice cream sandwiches for me and her, we ate and talked. Then the unexpected happened again, I fell weak worse than before grabbing
my head and yelled get a Doc or someone please! Strong tears pored from my eyes like a river, they didn't come at first, my Aunt yelled at them and said no something is wrong come now with fear, and anger in her voice.

I was ice cold which I knew I was an inch away from death, they did a brain scan and being so weak and out of it I heard a nurse say she just might need to have surgery tonight meant it was a second bad bleed. My Ma, Grandmother came back up and my Ma tore into zillions of pieces fearing the worse for my life. She grabbed my hand and I said to her please don't get rid of my cats, I love you Mommy and the last words I said to my Aunt was work things out with Grandma.

They then rolled me back to surgery which wouldn't be my last but the first of many. Pressure of the bleed which wasn't caused by the first but second was causing the blood to drain down my spine which could make me go blind, paralyzed, comatose or die. They drilled holes into the top of my skull, placed tubes in and let the over flowing blood drain out.

Then following two more surgeries both through the groin in my thigh. Being so out of it I dreamed two dreams. The first being me laying in a hospital bed in a soap opera acting out a scene. The next was me trying to find a place to sleep while seeing different kinds of monster like things.  I even saw a familiar soul, she wasn't a person within the flesh but rather an angel. I knew who she was, I saw her. Felt nothing but love, hope, peace all those things. I waved and smiled big, no one would of expected who it was. She was my Aunt Mary who hadn't passed even a year prior. She was watching over me, the funny thing though the night she passed she came to me and touched my head way before all this. She was one of probably many angels who watched over me.

First day of June the sky was blue. Then came that day June First. I laid in preparation for surgery, being out of it but still able to hear. I heard the shaver that which was used to shave the part of my head they'd be cutting into. When it was done I was put on life support, asked them by writing in the palm of my Ma's had to restrain my wrists so I wouldn't pull out the tube. They did, being bed bound I had a catheter, my head was wrapped with white cloth. I was in and out of it for three days post op. Able to still hear, I heard my grandmother ask do you know what today is? It's grandma's birthday. They tried to show me some stuffed animals they had got me and some other stuff. A singing Chihuahua, 2 Bears one a doc & nurse that sing and a Memorial bear that sings Proud to be an American in honor of Memorial weekend because it was around that time all this took place. I didn't care I was to out of it to see it.

They soon came into test my memory by asking me all kinds of questions knowing I'd be able to answer some but not others. I struggled with it at first but got through it. It was a hazy memory after major brain surgery. Days later I was me again but a new better version of me. We were told of a girl that was 10 years that died of the same thing I had, I fell sad. I wanted to so much reach out to her family but knew I couldn't. We were also told of those with AVM's like mine don't know they have it until they are gone which is 99% of people, it can cause seizures which I had been suffering from for many years which was the likely cause by the AVM being the source. I was soon released to go home, they stitched up my inner arm with a needle and thread that will disappear on it's own over time. Came home lucky to have no major side effects from the surgery but with a little bit of memory haze and loss of eye sight in my left eye which was where the AVM was.

There isn't more than to say I'm a living breathing miracle, fighter, survivor. There was this young black boy about my age at the time who went up to my Ma and Grandmother, said I'm going to call my mom she is a pastor, I'll ask her to pray for your daughter. My Ma talked to the boys mother. My Ma stood in shock, and thought he must be an angel and even maybe my guardian angel, who would do that? I then lived to see Seventeen on June Sixteenth also the day I had the stitch's removed from my head.

Soon was home, lived to tell my story and say God is real, Miracle are real. God gave me a second chance. Believe in the almighty one and through him you shall see change, miracles be lined, feel the presents of his holy spirit and sing glory to God's holy name and his son Jesus Christ the king of kings, Father of all his children. I don't weep, I smile and sing, my king is here with me, I close my eyes and say goodnight.

It's You

Your eyes are as green as a maple leaf
 your smile is as bright as the light in the sky
 your cheeks are as rosy as a rose in bloom
 your love is bigger and wider than the world
 your spirit is as bright as the ocean side
 your soul is as love is
 your hugs are the best
 your kisses are as sweet as roses on a bush
 your voice is as calm and sweet as if a bird was humming
 your the best friend one can have
 your the mother anyone is lucky to have
 your simply the best one I have
 Your my mom and that I'm glad
 you have my back
 your cooking isn't all that bad
 your the wise one
 your the teacher
 your the think
 I'm glad to have you that is a fact
 I'm blessed by god to have you
 as you are blessed to have me
 your simply my mother and I'm your daughter
 that I'm thankful for
 I love you
 this is for you

My Mother's Love

Mom when you found out you were pregnant with me at such a young age you didn't think twice about aborting me or giving me up for adoption, you made the adult choice to step up and be a mother and work hard so you could take care of me and raise me to the best of your ability. Even though you went through so much with your relationship with my father you put me first and you didn't weaver away from that fact. You stayed home with me for the first two years of my life to care, love and teach me what you could before having to go out a get back to work. I may not be able to remember any of it but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it because I do you were there for me when no one else was especially the man I called dad and the man you loved and soon to whom you'd call to be your husband. We struggled but you always seemed to find a way for us to make it and work through the hard times even with out dad around. We had the help of grandma of course which was great too. You taught me to be respectful, loving, caring, giving, helpful, go after my dreams & set my goals high and I'm thankful for that. You may have not been the one to teach me to tight my shoes or to ride a two wheeler but you taught me more important things in life treat everyone the same equal and to be friends with everyone. I know I wasn't the best child you could have asked for but even with my own troubled self you still were there for me daily. You were the one I went home crying to when I walked from school when I was being bullied, your the one that sat by my side during every seizure I had and even when I had to get blood drawn the first time and the day I found out I was bleeding in the brain you were there no one else was. You've been there for it all and your love is so unconditional so open and everything your the best mom any child could ask for, any child would be lucky to be able to feel your love, your want and caring soul because you are all those things plus more. No matter what bad words I used or the things I did to act out you still loved me. When we fight or even get along your love still shows because the power of your love as a mother shines through your beautiful eyes, your hugs and kisses and the way you always call me your boo boo or those other silly nicknames you've always called me since forever. You even made up a song just for me and even to this day I sing it to myself, it goes like this, Mommy loves Brittaney because she's mommies baby and when she wakes up in the morning she knows I'll always be by her side. That's the small but very simple words of the song you always sang to me.  Even now that I'm older and all grown up your love shows everyday even on the days we don't get along, it's always been your job to control me and my life from day one you were given that right as my mother my loving mother that loves me so much it makes you laugh when you know you have me where you want me but that's the great thing I may not like it or agree with it but it's your way of showing your love for me and how your still willing to fight for me, protect me from anything that can harm me. Your love has never failed to show, I may not understand what a mother's love is or what your love is for me but someday I will. Your my mom and now your my best friend. That's what my mothers love is. It's made up of so much and of so many big and small things I can't explain it all. Her love is so powerful, she is the most lovable unconditional respective caring mother I love and dear so much to my heart. My mother's love is true love, there is no other powerful love on earth besides my mother's love for me her child. That's my mother's love

A Mother's Love

A mother's love is real love
it's unconditional expressive love
you could never know until your one yourself
love is love but a mother's love is forever love, a mother's love starts from that one minute she realizes she is pregnant

That's the day a mother's love comes to be not just a thought but a reality, mothers are faced with challenges daily and some even can't over come it regardless of the mother's choices she is still a mother that loves like no other

A mother is excited to see you grow from with in, to see you move 'in and to hear your heart beat skip a beat, see your features change weekly  you start out as a size of a nut, and monthly your growing matching the size of something else, a mother is excited to feel you punch 'in and kick 'in  from within

Then the day comes to find out if your a boy or girl some even decide to let it be a surprise, through all the months  all the changes and challenges a mother's love is real, when it is finally time for you to come into the world a mother is so over whelmed it doesn't matter how or when you enter into the world because your mother has been waiting for you to come

When a mother hears her child cry for the first time it's a sign from God, heavens she did what was best, she get to hold you and tell you for the first time just how much she loves you and she'll never let you go, how she'll always protect and be there for you it's true, it's a mother's love  it's so unconditionally expressive you would never know until you become one yourself, love is love but a mother's love is forever

A mother's job is to love and care & comfort you, teach you right from wrong, be there for you no matter what, a mother would do anything for you because that's a mother's love
As you get older and grow your mom is everything but then one day you say she is ruining your life then when you come of age you look back at all that's happened and you smile because your glad you had your mother's love and now she is your best friend, but no matter what a mother's love stays there forever and someday you can say you understand  a mother's love completely unconditionally from that day forward a mother's love is a mother's love

Holy One

Holy One

I'm thinking of a dream I hear a whisper telling me to get down on my knees and pray to holy one

Beg him please hear my weeps I just can't sleep I'm dreaming a dream that only one can keep that's only one

I go above and beyond to the west to the east but a whispers tells me to get on my knees and pray to holy one

Looking back at all those fun facts I did way back when I am here ...now even when people said Jesus was whack I look back and say yeah you may say he's whack but I am here where I am because he had my back

I had my ups and downs I struggled I yelled but now I'm here in the prevents of my lord hearing him answer my prayer

I hear a whisper telling me to get down on my knees and pray to the holy one

Yeah I was offered drugs and to have sex but I turned the other way because I took the walk with grace because of my faith in Jesus Christ because he showed me the right way

Yeah I sinned I didn't win I failed him but even with all that every step I took back he was still here having my back

When I came back I said God please forgive me for my past for my sins take my hand pull me up hold me tight never let go because I'm here now because of you I want to stay here and never go I denied you many times but you were never shy to let me know you were never gone but here that's the power of will

I hear a whisper telling me to get down in my knees and pray to the holy one

I read in the bible as god tells me too I say to you for I gave my one and only son for you so that we wouldn't have to pay the price because my son Jesus Christ did it for you and I

I may win I may lose but either way Jesus is here for me and you it doesn't matter where you come from or the language you speak or even the color of your flesh or wither your gay or straight

Jesus says you are my fathers children so I love you all bad or good now all I say is come walk my way and I'll show you the right way the power of love the will I can do for you and for others I except you now will you except me as your one and only Lord and Savior

I hear a whisper telling me to get down on my knees and pray to the holy one

I praise you for believing in me I hear your every weep I answer your prayers even in your sleep, Come to me and I will keep for I love you and you love me I can show you all things

I hear a whisper telling me to get down on my knees and pray to the holy one

I say pray for those in need even those that are weak bring our troops home to stay not to sleep let there be peace between man and man, nation and nation let there be no more war for there are to many that fall daily

Jesus said to me share my word even for those that don't believe in me show them the real truth and I will walk with you through

Show them love and praise them for their good and sit with them even for their fails, he says make me glad for I will make for you treasures beyond what you can see or imagine not for here on earth but in my kingdom where I sit watching from above over all that I love

I hear a whisper telling me to get down on my knees and pray to the holy one

He comforted me in my darkest of needs and even in the brightest of my needs for he is king he can do all things remember me for I am your true king your father your savior your one true desire

Share me with others so they can know of me just as you, I love you all good or bad fail or no fail he is here to keep he is our king he heard my weeps and answer my prayers

Now I'm living my dream of dreams with Jesus Christ as my king by my side day or night he is the holy one to you and I now I say goodnight